The what the hells of wonderland
by slothely stego bazinga girl
Summary: Alice read a book, a big book of fairy tales. What happens when the protagonists come to live in wonderland? Will Nightmare finally admit to being a pirate? Will Pierce over come his fears for the sleeping princess? Can Dum cope being the female Bloody twin to match the Grimm's tale's twins? Can Black handle a handless girl? well, wonderland already had its what the hells, right?
1. Chapter 1

**...I can't explain myself. Just, don't kill me at the end of this.**

**Alice read a book, a big book of fairy tales. What happens when the protagonists come to live in wonderland? Will Nightmare finally admit to being a pirate? Will Pierce over come his fears for the sleeping princess? Can Dum cope being the female Bloody twin to match the Grimm's tale's twins? Can Black handle a handless girl? well, wonderland already had it's what the hells, right? **

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**The what the hells in wonderland**

**Change**

It was a rather peaceful morning at the hatter mansion. Blood was doing his paper work in silence, Elliot was making his beloved carrot dishes, Dee was asleep as he and Dum were given time to sleep in, and Dum got up to get ready for slacking off again. "He" yawned as he opened the wardrobe to get "his" uniform. However, "he" realised something after pulling the clothes on.

"Why are these so big? And why do I sound like a girl?!" The confused bloody twin asked. "He looked around until "his" eyes landed on Alice's mirror. "He" walked over and picked it up, and screamed loudly, which woke Dee up.  
"BROTHER NEE-SAN...is..." Dee ran in, and stopped when he saw a girl with black shoulder length hair and red eyes, wearing his brother's clothes. Dee picked up the axe he used for guarding the gates and walked over to her.  
"Where's my brother?!" he asked. The girl looked round and saw Dee holding the axe up high.  
"B-brother! It's me!" Dum yelled. Dee swung the axe down and the girl jumped.

"LIAR!" He yelled, as he started to chase the girl around the room, swinging and breaking anything in his wake.  
"AM NOT!"  
"Prove it! Who's Nee-san?!"  
"Alice."  
"What do we always do?!"  
"Play hide or die with the card guards or go rat chasing with Boris!"  
"EVERYONE KNOWS THAT!" Dee roared. Dum fell to the ground upon tripping over the oversized trouser legs. Dee held the axe up high as Dum looked up, scared out of "his" wits. The girl was almost cut in half when

"Blue blue dol dol dolphin!" Dee froze. There were only three people who knew that. Himself, Alice and...  
"Brother! What happened to you little buddy!" Dee yelled, throwing the axe away and glomping the girl.  
"Can't...breathe..."  
"What on earth was the commotion about? " Said the voice of Blood.  
"Boss! Brother's a girl now!"  
"...I didn't think you could switch the times of your clocks like that."  
"I DIDN'T!" The girl yelled.  
" Hey! You brats mind not t- Whoaaaaaa...I did not expect to see that." Elliot said upon arriving at the scene. The girl got up and kicked the hare in the leg so that he doubled over and she grabbed him by the scarf.

"DID YOU SPIKE MY TEA?!" She roared.  
"What the hell?!" Elliot yelled. The girl grabbed the man's rabbit like ears and pulled them towards her.  
"You better start talking chicky bunny or I'll rip these ears right off your head!" She deadpanned.  
"WHY THE HELL WOULD I SPIKE TEA?! OOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" The hare screamed in pain. The girl was pulled away by Blood, who did find the situation amusing but was gaining a headache with the constant shouting.

"Hey guys, what's all the screaming ab-...DUM?!" Alice shouted.  
"I'd be careful Alice, she's worse than you when you're, well."  
"Nee-san! Chicky bunny spiked my tea!"  
"Did not!"  
"Did too!"  
"Dee...maybe you should take your brother, sister, whoever it is outside to calm down." Alice said to the blue boy, who understood and took Dum with him to the gardens and towards the gates, where two strangers stood. They looked like twins. One was a boy and the other a girl. The boy's hair was the same length as Dee's and he wore a green outfit similar to the Bloody twins' uniform which matched his eyes. The girl's hair was tied into two low plaits. She wore a yellow Lolita like dress with a yellow and black jacket like the boy's, her eyes were yellow.

"Who are you?!" The two asked. The blonde twins looked at them and smiled.  
"Hülo. I'm Hansel." Said the boy  
"And I'm Gretel." Said the girl  
"We're gatekeepers of the woods!"

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**Dum: I hate you writer.  
SSBG: Aww, really?Anyway, please review and stuff. bye!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Guys. I'm facing technical difficulties right now so this may not turn out in my usual style as I am uploading on my tablet. The computer is being an, and I quote England, an "Ass hat" so I may move to Wattpad or just make do.**

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The what the hells of Wonderland

Wooden girls, mute swimmers and obnoxious tomboys

Gray was fed up. Fed up with the nuisance he had to call a Lord. Oh how he wished he carried out the assignment that day. He decided he needed a much needed break, and was on his way to the art gallery. He would have had Alice accompany him but the shouts that came from hatter mansion-which were heard throughout the land-had raised her concerns to the extent that she went to investigate. So now it was just the assassin on his own in the art gallery, with faceless families watching in awe as the paintings and mannequins came to life. He tried with great difficulty to keep his composure as his tattoo had decided to spring out into the world and crawl around him. Within an hour, almost everyone was gone, Gray, was amongst the remaining people in the gallery. He wanted to have more peace to himself as he looked at a new painting which took the place of one of a girl who had lemon yellow hair and a vermillion green dress, which was said to have burned to nothing.* He had seen this painting a few times before. It was a facelessdollmaker, who danced with a puppet girl who had a face, in the centre of many faceless dolls. Upon looking closely, there was no girl dancing with him. In fact, the doll maker was sitting on the floor, mourning.

" That's not right..." Gray said to himself, just then, the sound of wood which was loosely joined by faulty mechanisms hitting the floor was heard. The assassin turned around to see a literal wooden doll clumsily trying to regain her balance to stand up. Her hair was purple yarn and it fell to below her ears, her painted eyes were blue and her clothes were a type of nylon to make a kind of scullery maid's dress.

" Oops" the wooden girl said "...Why aren't you in the painting?" He asked her.

"Oh, no reason. I can't go back in there if I wanted to anyway, not that I do."

" Why not?.." "I can't because the writer* said so, I don't want to, because I want to be real like Mary Guertena did." and this brought Gray to pinpoint one possibility.

"Nightmare. "

*Meanwhile with Julius*

The clock maker was busy. Alone, with his clocks. No annoying knights. No rivalry between him and the Lizard. No whining from the incubus. And no pestering of rest by the foreigner to put the cherry on top. Just him, his tools, clocks and the boy who was leaning outwards on the balcony using his excessively long hair and the wall as a support.

"Wait, what?!" He shouted as he looked out the window. There was a tanned lad, in ripped up male's clothing which closely resembled Gray's. Black suit trousers and a white shirt, both things ripped up to show the same amount of skin the park's cat did. Excessively long platinum hair reflecting the winter sun. He got up and opened the window with an unamused expression.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, also thanking the writer that it was the lizard's clothes he possessed. The boy looked round to show dull, grey, feminine looking eyes and bangs covering an eye.

"Waiting for the hag." The voice of a girl said. Julius almost choked on air.

"HOW DID I MISTAKE THIS AS A MAN?!" He thought to himself.

"Waiting for who?" He asked. The girl got away from the edged and tugged at her hair, the many feet long locks lying in a birds nest behind her.

"I guess the writer kept 'is words, saying as this ain't the tower with no door." Julius knew exactly who this person claimed to be, but didn't believe it.

"Nightmare." he facepalmed.

*Now to Nightmare with what he calls an absolute cunt monkey*

"You want me to do WHAT?!" The incubus bellowed at a man of very...thin and not so even hair.

"The white rabbit's wish is one I found highly amusing." he smirked, an odd set of one blue and one brown eyes looking at the piratey man as he smirked.

"Jareth, you sir, are a-"

"I know, I know. "A prat", "an absolute cunt monkey". All things I've heard before. Now be a good dog or whatever the hell it is that you call a role. Oh, and it wouldn't be fair if you didn't have a fine challenge of your own, so take this." The man said, handing Nightmare a book which made his rage boil, as a girl with orange, and I mean literal orange, hair which was tied into braids and wore a dress much like Ariel's from the little mermaid but only it was green. What was this book?

The little mermaid.

"You should be thankful. I know how much pirates love their mermaids. Have fun, Captain Dreamer, prince of stalking nightmares. " He sneered with a laugh and disappeared to whatever realm he was from. Nightmare's blood was at boiling point, he was angered so much that he spewed up a stomach contents worth of blood. The mermaid who was at this moment in time a mute human grimaced a little as she helped him, although her affection didn't quite stop his internal bleeding.

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**And yeah. explanations. **

**let's see if you can guess the out of fandom references. **

**I do love Jareth, but...he is a butt hurt. **

**And finally, the writer is like god here, if you will. Until next time or on wattpad, adios.**

**SSBG**


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